Why Chicks Dig Douchebags

Or do they?  Most of the lengthy, longwinded debates with my guy friends began with the assumption that girls like guys who act like assholes.  They whined about how unfair it is that ”nice guys finish last” and that girls like to be treated badly.

The sad thing is, they’re half right.

What a lot of genuinely nice guys don’t take into account is that douchebags usually start out acting extremely nice.  If they were dicks from the get-go, no woman with any self respect or a triple-digit I.Q. would give them the time of day.  For a few weeks to a few months, the douchebag will hide under a facade of  doting attentiveness.  The douchebag emerges gradually, waiting until the unsuspecting female begins to lose objectivity.

It starts small.  He’ll “forget” to call, give compliments with the back of his hand, act jealous without warrant, openly listen to Hinder.  The gal thinks, “Hey, it happens–maybe he was working/fell asleep/had a dead battery/etc.  Maybe he meant something else and it just came out wrong.  He’s jealous because he’s just so passionate about me that he doesn’t want to share!”  Even she can’t explain the Hinder, though.

The poor behavior continues, dispersed intermittently between mediocre behavior and apologies.  The girl’s memory is selective and perception blurry–she remembers the nice guy and assumes this crap is either a phase, her fault, or a sign of–get this–just how much the dude likes her.  Because to the girl, this makes absolute and perfect sense. 

To outsiders, it’s bullshit.  The girl’s friends, male and female, urge her to dump him.  But really, they just don’t understand.  This dude’s deep and complicated and emotional and and and and…

No.  He’s not.  He’s a douchebag.

That said, when the girl finally comes to her senses (it may take him date raping  a 14-year-old down the street, giving her a black eye, or inviting her to a Papa Roach show), she becomes a bit wary of men in general.

When guys lay it on too thick at the beginning, it looks suspicious.  The chick is now automatically waiting for the other shoe to drop: Yeah, you’re nice now, but down the line, you’ll probably sock her in the jaw or cheat on her with the girl she babysits.  Or play Nickelback in your car.

I’m sorry to report, gentlemen, but there’s no real, universal way to remedy that.  Just keep being the fine, upstanding individuals you are and it’ll fall into place eventually.

But to expedite the process–dude, don’t listen to Hinder.

*By Jess, who only just learned that Trix went back to being round instead of fruit shaped. 

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