The Disappearing Act Dude: The D Stands for Douche

The Disappearing Act Dude is that guy (or those guys) in your dating life who show interest then play like its groundhog day for anywhere from two weeks to a year. It’s not the dude who goes into the ether never to resurface again – (though I must say there are plenty of these males out there too…or rather, they aren’t out there, but rather lost in the bermuda triangle of boys…) Back to today’s topic though: Don’t date (or re-date) the Disappearing Act Dude.

I know it’s tempting: You and dude hit it off, have a few dates, then the Disappearing Act happens. You make all sorts of excuses in your head for why he hasn’t called you for three weeks. Maybe you should’ve kissed him back a little bit more when he dropped you at your door, maybe he lost his phone or maybe his grandmother died, followed by his dog, followed by a car accident where he broke his hand so he couldn’t pick up the phone?? But then he texts you to see how you’re doing. (Note: Disappearing Act Dude rarely calls – he doesn’t want you to smell the bullshit on his breath).

Now, what do you do?

4 out of 5 times the Disappearing Act Dude is either reappearing because he wants to fuck you or because he’s a douchebag… and wants to fuck you. (Note: I have never encountered the 1 in 5 who is not a douchebag who wants to fuck me).

Take these scenarios for example.

DD (Disappearing Douche) #1: We meet at a bar

So I’m having a great night out with my friends when I meet DD1. We chat it up in the corner, he buys me a vodka soda, we compare our music libraries on our iPhones, we find each other on Loopt, he buys me another vodka soda, we make out. He asks if he can take me to dinner the following week.

Three months later I get a Facebook friend invite from none other than DD1. Only I’ve forgotten he ever existed until I ask him how we know each other. And then he asks me out and apologizes for “losing touch.”

I actually start dating this DD until I recognize a familiar pattern in his behavior: he’s just trying to get in my pants.

I tell DD1 that things are moving too quickly and that I’m not ready to be dating anyone right now. He confirms my suspicion by letting me know that he doesn’t want to date anyone either and is “just looking for some fun.”

DD#2: We meet at an industry event

I don’t like him when we meet, but allow myself to be charmed enough to give him my number. We go out and to my surprise, we hit it off. He texts after to tell me how cool I am (uh, yeah!) and how much he liked hanging out.

Cue disappearance #1.

But he had such a good excuse! Things with work got crazy and he found himself across America and back twelve times in 4 months. Talk about circumstances!

We go out again and have an amazing date. We see a movie and hold hands the entire time. We walk to a late night coffeehouse and get hot tea and talk about our families until 2am on a Monday night.

Disappearance #2 spanned from a day after this great date until two weeks later when I drunk text him. (I know, this story is going down the toilet).

I eventually admit to him in a text that I think he’s sexy.

Now he doesn’t disappear. He’s across the country again and then he’s in Japan, but he’s ever-present, now. Texting and confessing his passion for me morning, noon and night. I get fooled by the effort. I neglect to remember that he is a DD, and once you’re a DD, you’re always a DD.

He returns from his trip. I give it up for him. A few times even in the week that he’s back from his whirlwind of a world. He leaves again. He kisses me goodbye. He disappears.

DD#3 We never even meet

He finds me on LinkedIn. He’s worked with three of my coworkers. He’s cute, he’s into music, he dresses cool. I accept his connection. He messages me that he thinks I’m hot. He wants to date me.

Who would’ve thought LinkedIn was more than just a professional networking site? (I raise my hand and squeal “me! me! oooo me!”)

I’ve given him my number and let him woo me via text until I cave and decide “why not.” He acts triumphant. He disappears before even setting a date. I don’t care.

Today he reappears on…are you ready for this?…MySpace IM. Awesome. He says, “The Sounds new album is great” in response to my status that I’m currently listening to it. I say, “Oh, you got an advance copy?” He says, “No, but I needed something to say as an excuse to talk to you. Bad line, right?”

And I’m thinking ‘DD? Again? I haven’t even met this one!’

And then I sign off and write this blog post.

Ladies, be wise: if you’re looking for a keeper, watch out for the DD. If you want someone in and out of your life (figuratively and, well, literally) then this dude is your perfect match. But, at the end of the day, don’t date Disappearing Act Dude. Mr. DD has issues. Whether those issues are commitment, daddy, ego or small penis issues, it’s all the same. And remember, D stands for Douche.

**by Jordana who hasn’t met a decent dude in far too long

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