How to fail at pimpin’

I will begin by stating that whoever said “Pimpin’ ain’t easy” simply didn’t get enough practice.

That said, there is one particular person I know who needs to study up and be benched for a while before he gets to field again.

While I bide my time waiting around for a “real job”, I brew coffee for yuppies at an undisclosed location.  We have a regular who comes in daily with a different, out-of-his-league woman each time.   He orders what would normally be a $3+ dollar beverage but bitches about the price so much that we undercharge him just to shut him up and get him the hell out.  In addition to being cheap and rude, he’s also a pig.  When he isn’t commenting on the size of women’s rear ends within ear shot, he’s reminding us of how strong his pimp hand is (allegedly, it’s “mad strong”).

He never tips.

Today when he bitched that my undercharge was an overcharge, I decided I’d had enough.  I looked at the pretty, unassuming girl standing diagonal from him (he likes to stand in front of his bitches, because it really shows who’s boss) and introduced myself.  “Hi!  I’m Jess!”

She smiled.  He looked annoyed that I was taking up so much of his time by conversing with her.

“[Douchebag'] is a regular, but I’ve never seen you before!” I said brightly.  I then turned to [Douchebag] and grinned blindingly (the metal’s reflective, see).  “Gee, [Douchebag], where do you find all these pretty girls?  It’s hard to keep track of them all!”

[Douchebag] began to look alarmed.  I pretended to be reassuring.  I looked at the girl and said with all the earnesty I could faux-muster, “Oh, don’t worry!  I bet they’re his cousins.  Boy, what a big, diverse family!”

The moral of the story?  If you don’t want to get busted, leave an extra buck.

 

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