Hypocrisy, thy name is Simpson.

I’m sure you’ve all seen the photos of a slightly more robust Jessica Simpson. Frankly, I think a lot of what seems like weight gain was the effect of unflattering pants (not everyone is built to rock a high waist)–but that’s beside the point. The fact is, she’s still betterlooking than I and a good 90% of the world’s population, with or without an extra five pounds.

My issue is with her nepotist sister, Ashlee.

Following the release of Jessica’s photos, Ashlee posted a blog saying that “All women come in different shapes, sizes, and forms and just because you’re a celebrity, there shouldn’t be a different standard” and musing, “How can we expect teenage girls to love and respect themselves in an environment where we criticize a size 2 figure?” She also got really deep: “A week after the inauguration and with such a feeling of hope in the air for our country, I find it completely embarrassing and belittling to all women to read about a woman’s weight or figure as a headline on Fox News.”

Fair enough. I agree that Fox News has more pressing and pertinent things to run, like how our president’s middle name is Hussein and that he’s a Socialist.

But there are still three problems here, sweetheart. One, if you’re going to embrace all sizes, at least be honest about them. Jessica Simpson is not a size 2. Neither was Jennifer Love Hewitt. I am not a size 2–I am lucky to squeeze my behind into a 6–but I don’t lie about it to make myself feel better. I embrace my bodaciousness, and so do the creepy construction workers on West 57th.

Two, what the Hell does Obama have to do with this?

And three: You got a nose job. Pot, meet Kettle.

*By Jess, who craves peanut butter at a really inappropriate time.

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